The car crash I had recently, seemed to have triggered an uncontrollable release of grief at the experience of losing my dad earlier this year.
Flashbacks of being told he would not make the journey home and would die, just stay like a heavy weight in my thoughts and in my head.
Why is the crash doing that?. The night I got back from the car accident, after everyone went to bed I just sit silently but violently sobbing, not because of the accident but because of my Dad.
From the 1st January when we received the news that Dad would die, it has felt like a heavy weight boxing match with life as my opponent.
I have always relied heavily on affirmations, mantra a song to get me through times when we hit the metaphysical road block , mine has always been ‘I get knocked down but I get up again by….chumbawamba I have always prided myself on my resilience.. not necessarily my music choice.
Now I am wondering if I’ve got it wrong it is not always about jumping straight back up. Some battles are so big, so brutal and carry such an annihilating defeat that you have to just stay down!
It appears to have taken a car crash to show me that this time it is time to leave the arena; not to give up, not to concede but to heal and to come back stronger. I accept my current status is a feeling of being emotionally and spiritually battered and bruised.
The crash has forced me to fully accept, that stopping is the only way to carry on, to ever get back up again with strength and confidence.To carry on I have to feel the pain, the hurt, the defeat. I have to accept what was will never be again and who I was will never be the same again and in order to be ready I must rest, cry , mourn and accept. I must learn to live with my Dad within me as internal strength and love as opposed to outside of me, the physical version that I could see, smell and touch.
I have to know and feel the blessing, that love is the strongest force in existence, it always has been and death could never severe a true connection of love.
While I accept a slower pace, a place for healing of the broken heart. I will build on connecting with my Dad (and of course my Nan) with heart and soul as opposed to of body and mind.
I have no doubt, spirit Dad protected me from death when that lorry hit me, it was a not so gentle nudge to make it obvious that what I have to do is rest and repair, to love and respect myself enough to see how important that is.
If I truly want to live a life that reflects my thoughts, feelings and values, to be properly available to the ones I love the most, then I must make the most of the help around me guilt free and come back to the ring, ready as a worthy opponent to whatever force you like to call it in this mental game of life.
I find it ironic that the feeling I had hearing the words that Dad had hours to days left, was exactly like being hit by a truck! A debilitating coincidence? I don’t think so. Everything is energy, everything is connected and if you try and avoid your invisible, emotional pain it will show up as something physical, something tangible, our job is to open our eyes to the messages we receive every day.
So I am asking myself …..What is this showing me? How does my physical life/world reflect what I am feeling in my inner would asking those questions is the beginning of “The healers journey”
Physician Heal Thyself
Thank you for reading, I am just putting thoughts on to paper while I take time out to focus on myself and my role in the NHS as a health coach. writing is a great tool for healing and I am embracing it.
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Buckets of healing love and hugs